


Towards the sun

by Liffis



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Colorado Avalanche, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, choo choo everyone aboard the angst train
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 10:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18134636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liffis/pseuds/Liffis
Summary: It happens during the match. At first, everyone thinks Gabriel got hit. A concussion. Anything.But then he doubles over and coughs up brightly, cheery sunflower petals.It gets worse, from that point on.





	Towards the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, come join me in Sad And Angsty Feelings, because apparently writing a fic like this is an excellent way to treat yourself. Right?

It happens during the match against the Caps: one second, Gabriel is skating forward, on his way towards Holtby, like any other match and –

Stumbles – 

Catches himself, barely, against the glass, a graceless tumble onto the ice, no opponent involved, and bends over, body spasming –

Coughs, and coughs, and the dams have broken, he almost coughs out his lungs, and –

Brightly yellow sunflower petals spill onto the ice, flecked with blood.

The uproar drowns out the game, and soon, the game is postponed, and Gabriel is carried off the ice.

*

No one talks about it – or, they would talk about it, if Gabriel let them. Which he doesn’t. 

As soon as he’s back from his two-and-a-half days of break that had been more of a non-stop doctors’ appointment, he throws himself back into training and treats everyone who wants to talk to him about this with his horribly bland media face. There is nothing to talk about, nothing at all. Let alone the flowers.

They all try to, of course. Ask always the same questions. For how long. Who. If he’s okay. How far along is it.

The last one is the worst, because Gabriel has tried to keep it all under wraps, and he’d been so successful too. He’d been so good at sneaking away, at coughing up petals so discreetly, at timing bathroom breaks just so no one would see him being wracked by an especially bad cough. He’d kept it a secret and had kept it well.

It’s grown too big to keep it a secret.

Literally.

*

_They all had been worrying for some time – Gabriel had grown withdrawn. Not by much, but it had been noticeable. That, and Gabriel had lost a lot of his….easygoingness._

_They’d all seen how tense he’d grown, shoulders pulled just that bit higher. How he’d grown paler, with pinched lines around his mouth, his eyes._

_But then, the season had been going bad and Gabriel had been getting flak from the media, and maybe he’d had a bad break-up or something, in his private life, who’d known. They just stuck by him, stayed a tightly-knit group._

_If Gabriel wanted their help, he’d ask, right? And anyways, time was a good thing for healing, right?_

*

After the first cough, it goes quickly. Quicker than before.

If Gabriel had hoped he could keep it a secret forever – or had at least hoped it would go away on its own, he is quickly forced to reconsider. It’s escalating, since the on-ice cough.

The coughing grows worse by the week, wracking him with the force of it, until his lungs rattle and whistle and he’s bathed in cold sweat, struggling to breathe. 

For the first time he slowly grows to realize what Hanahaki will truly mean – so far, he’s escaped the worst of it. Because he’s young and fit, his doctor had told him with a sad smile, except he’d wanted to believe it was because he was lucky. Maybe he’d caught a lighter batch, it had to happen, right? Someone had to be lucky. Maybe it was him, maybe he’d be the one to escape.

He’d believed he had. For months, he had.

But apparently Hanahaki got them all, at one point.

Sooner or later, it got them all.

*

_Tyson doesn’t want to believe it. Doesn’t believe it, has laughed it all off as a stupid joke –_

_Until he sees Gabe lying in the hospital bed._

_For some reason that’s the thing that punches him somewhere low in the lungs, like a check out of the blue sky. Gabe, in the hospital bed. Oxygen mask._

_It could all be the aftermath of a heavy operation – things like that happened, and Tyson’s seen worse and had seen them all come back of it, mostly okay._

_But seeing Gabriel like this makes him worry that this time, he might not see a comeback. Gabriel has – not grown thin yet, it hasn’t been this heavy yet. But Gabe is greyish, faded, like…like this sickness is sapping the life right from him._

_“Hey”, he says, as quietly as he can._

_Gabe’s eyes blink open, and he tries to smile, except he winces and licks his cracked open lips. Can’t he drink, either? There is no water on the bedside table._

_“Do you want something to drink?”_

_Gabriel just shakes his head, already exhausted. As if this tiny interaction used up all his energy. A gust of wind could probably blow him away, he looks – terrible._

_It’s gone too quickly, way too quickly. Only yesterday, it feels like, did Tyson play with him. In reality it’s been a few weeks, Gabriel permanently transferring to the hospital two and a half weeks ago._

_He’s not getting better. Not even remotely._

_Tyson knows what this means, of course. The reporters gleefully remind them all what this means, at every opportunity._

_He doesn’t want to think of it. Can’t think of it. But looking at Gabe like this, worn out, almost disappearing in the hospital bed – it shouldn’t be possible. Not Gabriel. Not him, of all people._

_But it is true, and Tyson can see him disappear. Slowly but steadily._

_He’s scared._

*

EJ comes over, Gabriel doesn’t remember what EJ’d said he’d come for. Probably he’d made a dry joke. Gabriel can’t remember, it must’ve slipped his mind. Remembering takes a lot of energy, these days. 

Despite that, he’s glad EJ’s there and he doesn’t have to go alone. The doctors have given him the Okay, so today he’ll transfer. 

Gabriel is terrified. He knows what it will mean. There won’t be any hope left for him. 

Playing hockey feels like an universe away, a millennium, both of it, unimaginable. He can’t imagine having played hockey, ever, not when he now struggles to go down the hallway, body too weak to handle much these days. He’s perpetually tired, too.

EJ thankfully doesn’t comment on this, only grabs his bags and accompanies him. Two bags. Gabriel has packed lightly, the bags are half of what he once would’ve taken for a single game away trip. Now it’s enough to last him almost two weeks.

He’s too weak to carry the bag.

*

“Is it worth it?”, EJ asks, towards the end.

The room is dark, only the glimmer of some gentle lights, as always. A peaceful environment to – well, for now only fall asleep. But soon. Gabriel is not stupid.

“What?”, he asks, voice barely above a rasp.

EJ gestures towards the room, towards Gabriel, but doesn’t elaborate.

Is it worth it.

Well.

Gabriel closes his eyes. Sighs.

There are a lot of words he has, there are of course explanations, things he could say. He could talk until the end of time about why. About his feelings. About who caused his body into Hanahaki. He could. But he doesn’t. Even if he had the words, even if he had the strength, he wouldn’t.

What good would it be, anyways. By now – he doesn’t even know how long it’s been. Hockey is too far away, and if he isn’t visited, he…simply doesn’t see anyone, because visiting is right out for him. His life is trickling away, he’s not lying to himself. 

It has gone so far, why should he rip it all open, anyways. What good would that do, now. He’d made this decision when he’d been well, back when he’d coughed up the first sunflower petal and gone quiet and realized what this would mean. He’d made his decision. It would be no use to – destroy the little peace he has. He doesn’t want to go out on – on that. Let him have this.

He shrugs, lightly, half-heartedly. 

EJ sighs.

*

_In his dreams, Tyson smiles for him. It’s a great smile. A soft one, warm. And Tyson pulls him into a hug, his arms around Gabriel. As if he could take the weight of the whole world off of his shoulders, just like that, like it’s nothing._

_For a moment, Gabriel hesitates, but then he returns the hug. At first, he hesitates, almost not daring to. But when Tyson just tsk’s, like he’d expect better –_

_Gabriel wraps his arms around him, burying his hands in the back of Tyson’s shirt, shuddering out a breath against Tyson’s shoulder._

_“Landesnerd”, Tyson laughs quietly, and it lacks all bite, especially with how Tyson gently kisses Gabriel’s throat. Such a small thing, but he does it like it’s the most natural thing._

_Gabriel breathes out and wishes he could stay like this forever._


End file.
